Dr. Stephen Loyd discusses caregivers and their loved ones battling addiction

This is Hope for the Caregiver. I am Peter Rosenberg, bringing you three decades of experience to help you stay strong and healthy as you take care of somebody who is not.

And we're thrilled that you're with us. 800-688-9522. 800-688-9522. I want to introduce to you right now Dr. Stephen Lloyd. He is the medical director with Journey Pure. Used to be with the state of Tennessee for the, he was the assistant commissioner of substance abuse services with Tennessee Department of Mental Health and Substance Abuse Services.

He is now with Journey Pure and they are an organization, well, I'll let him tell you about it. Dr. Lloyd, how you feeling? Yeah, Peter. How you feeling? Oh, I'm great and I love the bumper music, by the way. It's wonderful. It's not what you think for a show for caregivers, is it?

It is not. I was feeling pretty funky there for a little bit, but thank you. It put a smile on my face.

Well, John put the fun in funky. Oh, yeah. Well, listen, tell us a little bit about Journey Pure and then we're going to get into some stuff real quick because I want to give people a background on this, but because this is an issue that we're going to continue to address on a regular basis on families dealing with substance abuse. But tell us a little bit about Journey Pure and then we'll get to that.

Sure, Peter. Journey Pure is a large inpatient treatment facility for people with substance abuse and mental health issues. And so a lot of times we, in the treatment world, we want to separate out the substance abuse from the mental health.

And really, it's very difficult to do that. Both of them really need to be addressed at the same time to give people their best chance at recovery. So I'm the medical director there and have been since February since I left the state. All right, let's get into substance abuse issues with family members. One of the things that we've done on this show is that we have expanded the concept of caregivers as those who are in the orbit of anybody that has a chronic impairment. And if you have a substance abuse issue, that is a chronic impairment by definition. That's a chronic disease. And addiction is alcoholism.

And these are not things that you just say, okay, today I'm going to walk away from this and I'll be fine for the rest of my life. These are chronic things that we have to work at a recovery program. Family members don't always understand that, do they? They don't, Peter.

And we do a pretty poor job at involving them in this process. You know, when you have somebody with a substance abuse issue and you've described it perfectly, it is a chronic medical condition. We are kind of conditioned by the media and by the, you know, I guess the print media, the news media, and even movies, as if you go off to this 28-day treatment program and then you come back and you're suddenly better and everything around you is fine.

And that's not the case. And, you know, it is a family disease and the caregivers are often left on the sideline during the treatment process or left on the sideline going forward. You know, I get this phone call all the time, you know, Dr. Lloyd, what can I do to best help my loved one? And, you know, my answer to that, Peter, is always the same. And that answer is to take care of yourself, right? You have to have self-care because regardless of what we think and regardless of what my family thinks, and as you know, I'm in recovery from drug and alcohol abuse myself, is they can't do anything today that's going to keep me sober and they really can't do anything that's going to get me drunk.

That's my responsibility. My family's responsibility, and they've learned this more and more as we've gone through this process, now it's been almost 15 years, is to take care of themselves, their own self-care, being as healthy as they can themselves and not, you know, getting caught up in their own codependency. And then when we're able to do that, we function really, really well.

We're getting better with it as time goes on. Well, one of the things I've understood over this journey is that when you have an individual with an impairment, like, for example, diabetes, diabetes affects that individual, but with addiction, it affects everybody within that orbit of that individual. It really does, Peter. It really does. Go ahead. I'm sorry.

No, no. And so talk about that a little bit, because I think a lot of family members look at somebody and say, okay, if we could just get him to stop drinking, or if we can just get her to stop taking drugs, then my life will then be better. Everything will be okay. But that's not the case. Well, and that's also, Peter, a spiritual principle. If I behave in a certain way, if I behave in a certain way, then things around me are going to be better. If I behave this way, if I was growing up as a little boy and my parents had a very contentious relationship, and so as a little boy, I thought, if I could behave a certain way and get this or get that, then suddenly somehow magically my parents will get along. And it sounds even ridiculous to say that, right? But that's really the mindset that I grew up with.

And I think that in cases of addiction and substance abuse issues, we think the same thing. Is our family in this unit will be okay if this person would just behave this way, then everything will be all right. And it's not true.

It's not true at all. And if you set yourself up for that, then you're really on shaky ground, because if that person doesn't do those things so that this unit is okay, then where are you? Right? And so these families, they get to the point where so much focus is placed on the person with the substance use issue, that they literally live on pins and needles, even when things are going great. And I think that that's really a prescription for an unhealthy family. And I think you get that. I think there's a lot more people getting that. And we're blessed enough to live here in middle Tennessee, where there's a lot of groups around that get that as well. Well, we're going to introduce this conversation more and more to the family caregiver, because I'm seeing this as a recurring theme. And I don't think people understand that it is a chronic condition. And even if you get them clean and sober, and you can't get them, but if they get clean and sober today, the real work starts at that point, because you got to deal with what drove them into those places in the first place. Is that a good way of saying that? That's a great way of saying it. And the thing that I think people don't understand, Peter, is it's ongoing. It's continuous. And I'll give you this example for me, because this just happened.

It's the holiday season right now. And so, me and my wife do things together, and we're in situations where there's certain things around, alcohol and things that I've had problems with in the past. And those situations are so much better now, because my wife has done her own work on herself. And she doesn't get wrapped up in, oh, I've got to keep Steve out of this, or I've got to keep Steve out of that in order for our family unit to be okay. She takes care of the things that she needs to take care of, make sure our relationship's where it needs to be.

And she never says anything to me about it. In my own recovery, Peter, it became so much more fruitful and healthy whenever Karen got help for herself, my wife. And I think that that's what folks don't understand, is that you're not going to be okay inside, even if your loved one never uses substances again. You're just not, because you're continually waiting on that other shoe to drop, thinking that you've got to do these things.

And the reason that they're not using is because you're behaving a certain way. And Peter, it's impossible to go through life like that. It is. And I had a lady that called into my show recently, and I put this out on my podcast at caregiverpodcast.com. And you can hear the call, but I asked her, I said, and I asked this with guests when they call in, how are you feeling? And her first words out of her mouth were defeated. And her daughter has been dealing with an addiction issue for some time.

She has children of her own now. She basically has put this girl up in a hotel just so she can have a place that she wouldn't be homeless. She's got to go to court. It's a dumpster fire.

The whole thing is a dumpster fire. And she said, I don't know what else, you know, I don't have the resources to put her in treatment again. And I said to this woman, and I'm going to say these words to you, and then I want you to mirror them back to me as far as, okay, did I get this right? I said to her, I said, look, this is hard truth.

It's not meant to be harsh, but it is hard truth. Your daughter may not make it, but you have to. And you could just hear the air just go out of her. That's not an inappropriate thing to say to her, is it? Peter, I would argue it was the exact thing to say to her. In my own recovery, I had to get to the point where I would be okay, no matter what. If I lose my wife, if my family leaves me because of this, I had to get to the point where I was okay with that.

I didn't say I was going to like it, and I didn't say I want to hear it, but I had to be where I was okay with that. My wife got to the same point. I think that's the single best thing that you could have told her at that point, because she's living her life right now. Really, she's not living her life. She's living her daughter's life, and that's an impossible thing to do. It's an impossible thing to do physically.

It's an impossible thing to do emotionally, and it's certainly an impossible thing to do spiritually. I think what you told her was spot on. She has to get to a point where she's able to live her life realizing that her daughter might not make it. But as a mom, the thing that she can do is be healthy herself and be there when her daughter is ready to take those steps, because she certainly is not going to be able to get her daughters clean and soda, Peter.

It's not going to happen. That decision will be made by her daughter as she goes through the process, hopefully. If not, there is a chance you can lose her. I think what you told her was spot on. People look at that and say, oh, that's harsh, or that's mean and coldhearted.

I think it's probably the most loving thing anybody's told her. Well, if you could say one thing to family members right now, very specifically, a next step action, if you will, not just a concept, but here's the next phone call or action step you can take when you've got somebody in your life, whether it's a child on opioids or whatever, a kid with alcoholism, husband, wife, it doesn't matter. Whoever has got an addiction or substance abuse issue in your orbit, what is the one thing you would want to say to those individuals of the next action step they could take?

The most beneficial thing that I've seen, Peter, is reaching out to someone who's already been through this or who is currently going through it and is a couple steps ahead of you in the process. You and I talked about this when we first met, and one of the things I love about what's going on in the world right now is we're gaining so much more awareness of this issue and things that work and don't work, and I told you that the opposite of addiction is not recovery. The opposite of addiction is relationship, and I would say that to my family. The opposite of this is not your loved one not using. The opposite of what you're going through right now is to engage in meaningful community and relationship, and so as a first step, reaching out to someone who has been through this, who is currently going through this or who is living with this in its chronic state right now, I think is the best first step that we can offer anyone right now. And that's through 12-step recovery programs that are available for family members, not for the substance abuse user, but it's the family members to have those things, and there are several of them around that people can go out and look for them, things such as Al-Anon and other places that can have it.

What about it at Journey Pure? Do you have things for the families of these individuals that you put them through or some type of program available to them? Right, and that's one of the things that we're lacking in right now that I'm working on. We have family weekends. As a matter of fact, this weekend is a family weekend for our males, and so we have the families come in. We educate them on addiction. We try to get them to see where their loved one is in the process and get them to engage in meaningful relationships with their loved ones because so much of that relationship right now in the midst of the disease, Peter, is just, if you do this, then I'll do this, that kind of thing. And so we're trying to get them to engage in meaningful relationships. My goal going forward is to do exactly what we're talking about right now, which is connecting these folks with other folks who are going through this and others that have come out on the other side.

They're still living with the chronic disease, but their lives are so much better because they've discovered that they have to take care of themselves. And some of these groups already exist here in Middle Tennessee, Peter, and I'll just give a shout out to one of them that I love very much and I've been to their group, but it's at Cumberland Heights. And this group of families have met. It's not an Al-Anon meeting. It's just a group that gets together and has been for over 20 years now. They have dinner on the campus and then they meet for about an hour, hour and a half and talk about and share their experience, strength, and hope. And the nights that I've spent with that group of folks was one of the most meaningful nights I've had since I've moved to Middle Tennessee and seeing what can happen when a group of people come together and engage in that meaningful relationship around this issue. It's really quite amazing.

We only got about a minute left, but let me throw this out there. Do you find that most of the family members that are at odds with this person who is abusing or addicted in some way, that the family members themselves, the relationship issue with themselves is fractured? I mean, it starts with looking in the mirror, the relationship I have with myself. I spend more time with me than I do with anybody else.

Do you find that those family members are fractured individuals themselves and they've lost their own relationship with their own heart? Am I saying that right? I could not agree with you more.

If I was with you right now physically, I would hug your neck if it was socially acceptable. That is the crux. It's okay. That's perfect. It's absolutely perfect because that is it. You've lost your relationship with your heart and replaced it with something else that's not attainable. It's that old line, when I have success, I look out the window. When I have failure, I look in the mirror. Work on yourself first. That will be the single biggest thing that you can do to help your loved one going forward. That is brilliant advice.

I love that. When I have success, I look out the window. When I have failure, I look in the mirror.

Dr. Steven Lloyd, a medical director of Journey Pure, journeypure.com. Please go check them out. Do not try to do this alone, folks. Reach out to people. They will point you in the right direction. They can help.

That's what they're there for. Hey, you're going to come back? Peter, anytime.

You have my contact info. I love it. And thank you so much for doing this. I can't tell you how important it is.

You are quite welcome. I look forward to having you back on. Hey, listen, this is Hope for the Caregiver. I am Peter Rosenberger.

This is the show that is committed to helping family caregivers live a calmer, healthier, and dare I say it, a more joyful life. We've got more to go. Don't go away.

We'll be right back. Have you ever struggled to trust God when lousy things happen to you? I'm Gracie Rosenberger. And in 1983, I experienced a horrific car accident leading to 80 surgeries and both legs amputated. I questioned why God allowed something so brutal to happen to me.

But over time, my questions changed and I discovered courage to trust God. That understanding, along with an appreciation for quality prosthetic limbs, led me to establish Standing with Hope. For more than a dozen years, we've been working with the government of Ghana and West Africa, equipping and training local workers to build and maintain quality prosthetic limbs for their own people. On a regular basis, we purchase and ship equipment and supplies.

And with the help of inmates in a Tennessee prison, we also recycle parts from donated limbs. All of this is to point others to Christ, the source of my hope and strength. Please visit standingwithhope.com to learn more and participate in lifting others up. That's standingwithhope.com. I'm Gracie, and I am standing with hope.