Welcome to Hope in the Morning. turning tragedies and tears into testimonies of hope. Fits of depression come over most of us. Usually cheerful as we may be, we must at intervals be cast down. The strong are not always vigorous.
the wise not always ready. the brave, not always courageous, and the joyous, not always happy. These words were spoken by Charles Spurgeon. one of the most revered preachers of all time. Spurgeon is not the only godly man who is acquainted with grief and seasons of depression.
King David, known as a man after God's own heart, wrote many psalms that expressed his faith in God in the midst of seasons of depression. Joining me today to talk about this very important topic is John Blackstone. John, thank you so much for joining me today. Thank you, Emily. Thank you for inviting me.
It's a blessing. Been looking forward to this. Yeah, depression is it's a hard topic to discuss, but I think it's a really important one for believers to discuss openly. And I think that there's kind of a A stigma around it with believers. And Robbie and I have talked about this before.
There's kind of this shame that goes with it as believers where we feel like, oh man, we can't talk about that. And that's like the elephant in the room. You can't talk about that because we're supposed to have the joy of the Lord. Um So can you can you walk us through what your Season of depression. was like.
Yes.
So I um I was a pastor, a worship pastor, and an associate pastor. At a church, and I was very happy. I had felt like. You know, I've done music my entire adult life, and this was the first time. that um You disappeared.
Are you gone? We disappeared? Are you still there?
Now I see you. Yeah, okay. I'm going to ignore if your image Disappears.
So I was a pastor in the church. I had been a musician my entire adult life and I became a believer when I was about 25 and kind of shifted out of the secular world into. The, you know, writing songs about my faith and things like that, but this. I had been brought on as a pastor at this church. And I felt like it was the culmination of my entire life up to that point.
It involved music, it involved being creative. But it involved my faith in the Lord and my desire to lead and to. Serve people and minister, and so I'd been a pastor there for about two years, it was my first job as a pastor. And suddenly, this was in 2007. I was overwhelmed by a totally crippling.
depression and The best way I can describe how overwhelming it was I spent a good deal of the next seven years in a fetal position in bed. That it was a very serious, very In very serious depression, totally crippling. And I was a very vibrant. Yeah. serving at a church and suddenly I'm reduced to this Guy, that's just laying in bed, just trying to survive every literally every second of the day, just.
Praying to God, please heal me, please heal me, please heal me. And um So I ended up being, they obviously had to let me or lay me off, and I was. I was just destroyed. I had three little kids, three children, and a lovely marriage that I was happy in. It was basically like a nuclear bomb that went on my in in the middle of what was a very happy life.
It was devastating. Did did you was your first inclination to think that something was physically wrong with you? That's a great question.
So I had struggled with seasons of depression my entire life, literally since I was a little boy. One of my earliest memories is of me trying to just talk to my mom and telling her, I don't feel right. There's something that hurts here. I would literally point like to the core of my being and She didn't understand, you know, and she actually did take me to a doctor, even when I, and the doctor didn't diagnose what was depression. But those depressions that I went through from the time I was a child They were never debilitating.
They basically just made life harder, and they would usually last for maybe a couple of days, maybe up to seven days. but they didn't pull me out of life. But my point being that I was well accustomed with depression.
So when this totally crippling depression hit. It was more of the same, but amplified by 10,000, a million. And so my first inclination was that it was just.
Okay, I've been depressed before, so this is just a very bad depression. for whatever reason, and uh I'm sure it will pass. And so, in the very beginning of it, I was just trying to survive the depression. And I was very hopeful that God was going to bring healing any time, any day. And of course, we started seeking medical solutions and that kind of thing as well as spiritual solutions.
So in the beginning of that seven year period, it was just sort of waiting for healing to come.
So would you You know We know you ended up in that fetal position, but what were I mean, what would make you want to get into the fetal position? I mean, what were you sensing? Were there messages being told to you or things that you. Um fears or what was going on.
So This is where it gets into trying to describe depression to someone that has, maybe not saying that you haven't experienced it, but. It is very hard for someone that's never experienced clinical depression. to understand the experience and that's why i think it's such a Sort of a It's a difficult subject in the churches because a lot of people just have never experienced it. As I describe depression, there's a couple of terms I use to describe it. One is, To answer your question, the reason why I was in a fetal position was that.
Imagine if you had a severe Physical pain. Imagine that the physical pain was in your stomach and it was so severe that you were just. Crumpled up in a fetal position, trying to survive, you know, waiting for relief to come. And I'm talking about it. Yeah, I've experienced that, so I'm with you.
So, the difference is that it's not a physical pain, it's an emotional pain. And it's so it's not an excruciating physical. Pain that you could say it's not, it's dull or it's sharp. It's just it's an emotional Pain and it's right, it's focused right in the core of your being. A friend of mine once described it, which I think is a really great, probably the best description I've ever.
heard, which is it's nausea of the brain. And if you've ever been, imagine if you've ever had food poisoning. I don't know if you've ever had food poisoning, but when I've had food poisoning, I've laid in bed and literally the suffering was so awful that I would rather be dead than what I'm going through right now. And um We Depression is intense nausea. But it's like it's of the brain, and it's so hard to describe.
I've also heard depression described as A profound psychic team. Um Psychic, not meaning as in fortune tellers and things like that, but Your psyche, your entire, the way that you perceive the world and yourself and your emotions and your feelings. Feelings, it's like something has attacked the whole core of that. and just is like stabbing it with a knife. It's just awful.
Well, as I said, Yeah, well, that's the best description I've ever. I mean, that was really, really helpful, John, just to tell you. It really. Gave me an understanding of why that's so debilitating. Yeah, I think as the church, it's important for us to realize and remember that God has created us.
Body and soul. Like they work together. And so sometimes the solutions, as you said, that you did seek medical care, sometimes. The solutions can be aided with medical care. But it's a combination, just as you mentioned.
You know, you mentioned that you sought out medical care, you sought out spiritual care, and we need that. We need that at all times, really, in our lives, in our walks as believers. Like, we need to make sure that we are physically healthy, but we need to make sure our souls are healthy as well. And I have not Dealt with seven years like you did, but I have gone through seasons of depression too, where it felt like this. It's like this Wait, it feels like a bondage.
It feels like you are imprisoned. by your sadness. And and I think too, if you tend to be a Logical person, or even just as believers, I feel like we always kind of want to find the source of things. And so you're sitting there constantly thinking, why am I feeling like this? And John, you had said that you're in this season of basic, basically euphoria.
You've got a wife you love, three beautiful children, you're in your ideal job. And it hit you. It hit you at at the least possible Likely time that you would think it would hit you at the end. Worst possible. Yeah.
Yeah. And it just, it comes, it comes like a flood. It's not a trickle, it's a flood. And it can feel so overwhelming. And then One of the things, and I would love to hear if this was something, it sounds like it was something you struggled with.
One of the things when you are in a season of depression, which I think you've also struggled with. Um Robbie is The last thing you want. is to be around people. And yet There is something good. There is something good for our souls in being around other believers, but it's the last thing you want.
What would you say to that? Did you have people that you let in during that time? Once again, great question. Very I ha I have to honestly in all of this. Even to spend a little bit of time with someone was like pushing a giant boulder up a massive mountain.
It was just so. Brutal. And the reason is because. In the extreme state of depression I was in, I was literally just trying to survive. And that took all my energy and all my emotional strength.
And when you engage with people, like when my kids were there, then I desperately wanted to engage with them. I had just had nothing. I had nothing. I had nothing to give them. I had nothing to give my wife, so the only people that I could really talk to were people like your dad who were Um Would just listen.
Yeah. That's all they would do. They would just listen and Allow me to express what I was going through. And I couldn't do that with my kids. I couldn't do that with my wife.
She's trying to take over the entire role of. parenting our children and running our finances, everything.
So she's, you know, I'm not going to lay that upon my wife, who's already. struggling to Pull our family through this disaster. And so it was people like your dad. He was my main confidant. And he would allow me to say the same things over and over and over again.
Yeah just When we come back from the break, we're going to talk about exactly what that looks like to sit with somebody in their season of darkness and what is helpful and what is hurtful.
So hang with us and come back after the break on Hope in the Morning. Hope in the Mourning allows you to lean into the suffering of others and helps equip you to purposefully mourn with and meaningfully minister to those suffering in your midst. May these testimonies cause you to see our God with fresh and thankful eyes. and may you seek to be his hands and feet to every weary heart. Visit hopeinthemorning.org to learn how you can partner with us in ministry.
Have you ever struggled to comfort a grieving friend? John 11, 35 says, Jesus wept. When Jesus was told by Mary and Martha that their brother Lazarus had died, Jesus wept. Today, on Hope in the Morning, we invite you to learn what it looks like to weep with those who weep. Learn what it means to sit in the ashes and be encouraged that even in our morning, there's hope.
His name is Jesus. Visit hopeinthemorning.org to learn more. Do you have a heart to comfort the hurting? Do you want to show the world that through Jesus Christ we can have hope in all circumstances?
Well, then we welcome you to visit hopeinthemorning.org and see how you can join us in these ministry endeavors. May you be encouraged by who our God is as you continue this episode of Hope in the Morning. To learn more, visit us at hopeinthemorning.org. These are two poems that I wrote about depression. And the first is how it feels going through depression.
And the second is when you slowly start to see your way out of it. The first is called Darkness Before Dawn. My tears fell like floods with feverish fury, My mind wrought with wandering and wilted with worry Darkness deepened, and despair doused in dread. Unimaginable images impede my thoughts and embed themselves like unwelcome guests, garish and ghostly, unguided by rest. I scream in the silence and solicitude of my soul.
for what once made me whole has now left a deep hole. Grief is a love with nowhere to settle, The absence of tender touch, like rose without petal. Unutterable grievances gain ground as I grieve. They billow and burn as I barely believe that what happened has happened, and will haunt me henceforth. I steadily stream south, though I long to go north.
Rocked by writhing with curtains drawn. I shut my eyes and wait for dawn. This is Dawn. From slumber startled, restless though it be, My chamber lit, the light came to me. my darkness rendered powerless in the prowess of its prism.
I shed my clothes of mourning and went forth from my prison. Held captive many seasons, My sorrow held the reins, Till mercy sought me in the soot and freed me from my chains. the wreckage of my grieving bones had rendered body weak. unable to nourish my frail frame or stand on feeble feet, But when the beauty of the light approached me in my ashes, It tenderly took my broken heart and bound up all its thrashes. It took my burden heavy still, And claimed it as its own, And sprinkled seeds of sorrow sprinkled seeds of joy and peace Where thorn and weed had grown.
In my own strength I still would be with veil and curtain drawn. but in the power of the light I now embrace the dawn. John, you talked about how Your friend became such a confidant to you, and how they allowed you to. Talk about the same things over and over. And I want to give a little caveat here.
You had mentioned my dad. And my dad was that friend, and your cousin, actually. And Uh I remember many times actually walking into my parents' house, and my dad would shush me and say, Shh, I'm on the phone to John right now. And, you know, we knew. We knew growing up, we knew into our adulthood that there was a very, there was a sacred friendship there.
And um What what allowed you? What made you feel like he was a safe person? for you to talk to. How can we learn from that in the church? I think that the the main thing is that as Christians, we always assume that there is a scripture and an answer.
You know, you um You need to focus on this scripture or. As Christians, we often want to fix Things and it's very hard for us. It's easier for us to try to fix than it is for us to just sit quietly and just. Listen. It's really hard.
It's really challenging for everyone to do that, especially, I think, for Christians. But in the same way that Job's friends, when they first showed up, They did the right thing. They sat with him silently for I think it was seven days. And that's that's the like that's the response. And then eventually they started trying to go into, you know, theological.
Uh ideas and That's not what people need when they're suffering. They don't need that. They need someone that just will simply live. listen. and love and express that You know, anything hopeful that you can give.
And that was one of the things I was going to say to you. earlier is that one thing that Robert always used to say And I believe that God gave him the wisdom to say this. because it was the only thing that would penetrate. my suffering. was he would say, This is not going to last forever.
This will pass. And for me, that was the only thing that ever would penetrate that. And it would give me just a. Little bit of hope. Yeah, and it wasn't a scripture, you know, it wasn't a scripture, it wasn't, it was just simply John.
This is not going to last forever. This will pass. you know, keep holding on. You know In talking about not Using a scripture, I think that some listeners might think, like, well, but of course we're supposed to counsel with the Word of God, and we are. And scripture is, is, um, You can give me the full verse where it talks about how it gives us everything we need for life and godliness.
With that, though, you know, I know John, you and I are both kind of reading through this book by Todd Smith, which is Dark Valleys, which says when you love Jesus but hate life. And one of the things that he talks about in here that I think is so good is We are so quick to want to rush out of the valley. We want to rush out of the dark valley. And I think that's kind of. I think that's kind of what you were getting at when you say that Christians have a hard time just sitting still quietly because we want to put that scripture verse on it.
We're like, I know it's here. I know that there's something here that can apply to what you're going through. But sometimes God asks us to wait slowly. In the dark path, and to know that path may be longer than we desire it to be. And you had mentioned that yours was seven years long.
That's a long time. to sit in the darkness and to feel like God's not hearing. Your prayers. How did God comfort you during those seven years?
Well, if I can, I'd just like to respond to something that you've just said, and then I'll answer that question. I wasn't suggesting that scripture isn't important. That's not it. It was. When missionaries go into, when they would go into places where there was starvation, they knew that the number one need.
Before trying to reach them for the Lord, it was to feed them. That was number one priority. It wasn't to go in and Preach to them. It was to feed them first, meet that need. That's what I was trying to say.
Yeah, no, I completely understand and agree with you. Yeah. Yeah. What I'm trying to say. If I can jump in here, you know, it's very interesting that you bring this at me and say.
I've interviewed lots of missionaries, and what I have discovered is there is a need stronger than hunger. There is a need stronger than thirst. That they often would come into those places where people were totally starving to death and had been without whatever, whatever, and their biggest need was. Share their story. They wanted somebody to listen.
And it's interesting that It seems that that would be something in common. Yeah, and you know, John, that goes back to kind of what you were saying with my dad, too. There there is a breaking of that bondage a little bit when we share it with somebody. Because we are bringing it, we're bringing it to light. We're letting somebody else bear the burden.
And that is a hard thing to do as a believer to come to somebody else and say, Hey, I am really weak here. And not only that, but there's, like we talked about at the beginning, there is a fear there that you're going to, that you think, man, are people going to think I'm not a believer? Are they going to think that I don't have the joy of the Lord? I don't trust the Lord. And it's it's not it is not always that.
And you had mentioned to me, John, that that You spent four years trying to See if there was something medically wrong. And at the end of that, what was the term that they used at the end of that? They they Didn't Just to give you a quick uh history, they tried every pretty much every antidepressant Under the sun, and they would let it run for you know three months to six months, and nothing helped. And it so, to give you an idea of how bad this depression was, I they eventually resorted to what is always a last resort, which is shock therapy, electroshock therapy.
So I was going into the hospital and having my brain Shocked. And then, after that didn't work, a doctor finally told me we. That you have treatment-resistant depression, which is a diagnosis and So after four years, that was like being told: you know, sorry, you're out of luck. Yeah. Yeah, that was that's when survival started becoming really You know, and you've mentioned that word, and that was the question I really have my heart.
It's the name of your C D, by the way, for those of you watching. It's called Survive. And I've heard you say that you were just trying to survive.
So clearly that word for you has huge significance is that was the mode that you were in and and so ex Can you kind of share w The heart of that? Honestly, when, you know, as I talked about in the first few years of the Depression, I was. part of what helped me keep going On a day-to-day basis, was that I believed that God was going to intervene at any time. It was just a matter of waiting. But after three years, four years, and then getting this this diagnosis of Basically, them saying we can't help you.
There was a shift that happened where I started believing that. I had been abandoned by God. And I believed that it was Basically, that I had fallen out of the the umbrella of of his grace. And that's something that's very common with people that are suffering depression. They believe that they've been abandoned.
Because you know, you think, like you've said, that you know, Christians have the joy of the Lord. And so that's when I started really believing that. Basically For me, that's when surviving really became something I was left to my own. To do that. I had assumed that God had abandoned me, and that, and I didn't know why, I just assumed maybe, maybe I'm.
Too much of a sinner. Maybe my sin is too great. And I just started to believe that this was actually a God-ordained. Curse and it was punishment of some sort, and so for me. I was no longer able to I mean, of course I was begging God, you know, God, please help me.
But That's when it got down to just, okay. I've got to make a decision. Am I going to keep going here? Because it appears that this is going to last forever, especially when five years or year five and year six rolled along. I was like, I gotta decide Can I really keep going like this?
If you know what I'm saying, that was the point at which I was. Literally saying, I'm not sure I can live the rest of my life like this. That's when I started thinking some really dark thoughts. I hate that we are already out of time for the radio program, but if you're listening on the radio, Go to hopeinthemorning.org and listen to the podcast because you're not going to want to miss this. Our podcast drops every Tuesday.
So, if you're listening to this on Saturday, come back on Tuesday and listen to the rest of this because we're going to talk about how the Lord took. John's depression and not only helped him survive it, but has given him a testimony now to share and shed light in the darkness.
So join us again on Tuesday on Hope in the Morning. All right, so now we can continue the rest. Obviously, that would be a point of despair, but you think about how the Lord, not the Lord, how Satan. Uses that as a foot, a foothold in your life because when you're alone, when you're isolated and you're in the darkness. You listen.
To all these lies, and you're so vulnerable in a state of depression, so vulnerable. To all these things that Satan says. And that's what he, like, he wants to take the assurance away from us. He wants to say, oh, see, God doesn't really care. And it started all the way, started all the way with Eve, you know, where he says, Did God really say that?
Did God really say that He would never leave you nor forsake you? Because you look pretty forsaken to me. You know, that's what He wants you to think and feel. And Again, getting back to friendships. That's why it's so important, and within the church, even why it's so important that we take away the stigma from this, that we say, you know what, this is okay for us to talk about this, for us to have a biblical, God-honoring conversation about what this looks like, because we are all human in a fallen world with fallen minds and bodies.
And What does it look like to Walk. side by side with somebody. in these moments.
So what would you say? You said that one of his One of his most encouraging things that my dad had said to you was that this won't last forever. But you also just told us that it felt like it lasted forever once you hit year five, year six, and that it led you to. kind of some some dark um Dark choices That you made. Can you talk us through that?
Yeah, so basically I just for me from the Point it started. To the day that it ended. I was, as I've said, I hate to be like a broken record, but It really was me trying to just survive because the suffering was so intense. I know that probably sounds so difficult for people to understand. But it was.
And so You know, when I would talk to your dad, he would share scripture and he would encourage me and Because I would say things like Robert, I must have been. God, I think God has abandoned me. There must be sin in my life that I didn't. Didn't know about, or I haven't been disciplined enough. I would, you know, you're coming up with all these reasons why this could possibly happen.
Robert would encourage me by saying John, you know that I know the Lord and that I have the Holy Spirit. I'm telling you. That the things you're thinking are distorted, they are coming from Satan. Satan is a murderer, you know, as the scripture says, he was a murderer from the beginning and a liar. And so, those were really important things to hear as well.
basically just trying to diffuse the conf the Confusion and the dark thoughts that were coming into my mind. But near, you know, when you reach. Seven years It gets, you get to, I got to a point where it was like I was basically shutting everyone out. Because I didn't, at that point, this is so dismal and I hate to even share it, but. It's the truth.
After that min long, I basically said Okay, now I've listened to all these people that were. trying to encourage me. But none it's not happening. I'm not going to come out of this. God is.
obviously abandoned me.
So now I need to decide Am I going to continue to live? Does that make sense? I basically got to a point where it's like, okay, I'm done listening to everybody because the things they're saying are not true, you know? I even reached a point where I could no longer. Read the Psalms, which you started the program with.
Damn. Because, and I'll tell you why. I would, the Psalms were the only thing that I could read when I was in the first few years of. Depression because they were. The psalmist would cry out in suffering and pain.
But then there would be that joy in the morning. There would be that answer that comes.
Well, after four, five, six years. I started to resent that because, okay, I can, I hear the psalmist King David crying out in despair. But God answered his prayers. He got to that place of joy in the morning, you know. Am I making sense here?
Absolutely. I got to the point. Yeah. Absolutely. You felt like, why does he hear David's prayer and not mine?
But one caveat I will throw in there is we don't know how much time. Past between his Psalms of Lament and God answering that. And something that something else that I thought was, and I know you are, you're. Not quite as far into that Dark Valleys book. But something that I thought was really interesting in light of how long your depression lasted is.
Being reminded that we want out of things instantaneously because we are a vapor. Our life is going fast, and so we want out of things fast. Whereas God is eternal, and so to Him. Seven years, we feel like, where were you? I'm abandoned completely, like seven years is so long.
But God, to God, it's like, What's seven years? You know, and and that's right, you know, I would love to talk a little bit too about how. In the in the end you um See, with what you sent me, you had talked about With with realizing how God had used Your depression in the end.
Well, before you get there, I know everybody listening, watching, and I wish we'd have been able to get to it. What happened? I mean, you know, it's been six years, it's been six years and ten months and eleven months, and all of a sudden this started to lift. Yeah. What was the what was that like?
What was that experience?
So It was So almo it was basically seven years to the month. The depression hit in December of two thousand seven. and it lifted in December of twenty fourteen. And It was a I didn't uh I didn't actually know It was a gradual realization within a period of about two weeks. And I'll tell you, it's beautiful how I realized that it was gone or it was dissipating.
was um One of the few things I would do with my family, I would just force myself to do it. Was go on this we would drive and look at the Christmas lights. It was a tradition and I would try to pull myself out for at least a few things a year, you know, and that was one of them. And we went on this drive and I was All of a sudden back to the person I used to be. I was asking, I was engaged with my children and I was I was almost starved for information.
Like, so what's going on with you? You know, what is school like? Tell me about your friends. And they were all looking at me like, you know, and and uh. It just kind of occurred to me, it's like, oh, this is who I used to be.
I was a very social person, just always engaging with people and. deep relationships with people. And during that Drive looking at the Christmas lights. It suddenly dawned on me. It's like, oh, this is who I used to be.
And it sort of shocked me. And then I was kind of realizing: oh, that pain in the core of my being, it's less. It's less, it's dissipated. And then over the next few days, it literally went away in a matter of about three days. It was like so, it's like I'd been like this.
clinched. For seven years, and then it's kind of some. Let go. And So here's the thing that's interesting is that I was afraid to to tell my my my wife and my kids or anyone. that that I had been healed.
And it wasn't like a ding your heel. It was like over a period of about a week to 10 days, it was like, it's gone. It's gone, it's over. And when I realized that it was over, I was afraid to tell my wife, especially in my kids, because I was afraid that it was a fluke. I was afraid that it was a temporary thing.
And because it didn't come with this beaming light where God was saying, I have healed you, John. It wasn't this big dramatic event. It was just simply realizing it's gone. And then Huh. This is hard for me to talk about, I guess, 'cause it was such a emotional moment, but After about a week, ten days, my wife sat down and she said, So what's going on with you?
You're different. And I just started weeping. Hmm. Because I knew that. It was true.
So uh So after that, uh You know, I just finally, after, you know, two weeks pass, three weeks pass, a month passes. Two months pass, it's like it's gone. Mm. And not only is it gone, but After a lifetime of struggling with seasons of depression, Since that day, 2014, since it went away. I haven't had a single second of depression since then.
After a lifetime of it, you know. Which, you know, you look at that as To me, it strikes me that the Lord asked you to Be patient. Trust me. I'm not taking this thorn from your side now. I hear you.
I promise that I hear you. I hear every word that you have cried out in languish. But I'm not going to take it away yet. And you have to trust me that it's going to be for a reason. But then, what a mercy for the last seven years, well, more than seven years.
Now I'm stuck in 2021, apparently. But for now, the last 11 years that the Lord has said, let me bring you beside still waters, let me restore your soul. Yeah. You know, you you have shared with me very vulnerably too that This long bout of depression was not without great cost. To you.
And It wasn't. Yeah, I mean, can you tell us what that great cost was? Yes, so Basically the the costs the worst Costs are that I missed out on the best, the most precious years of my children's lives. That's I can never get that back. It's gone.
And Yeah. Because I basically, I was like, I was their father, and then I disappeared. Into my bedroom for seven years. And so, by the grace of God, I have rebuilt those relationships and. I kind of had to approach them almost like from new.
I had to gain their trust, I had to gain their. I had to gain intimacy with them, and it's been a road. It's been several years to do it, but I'm thankful to say I have. great relationships with my kids now and They are blessed by what they saw. That God did.
They witnessed. The worst of it, and they saw what God made of it. And that's a powerful testimony of the power of God. Yeah. But the worst cost is my wife, Trina.
It was just too it was just too much. For her. If you imagine. You know, we're we're best friends. We get married.
We went into our mi our marriage very uh With eyes wide open, seeking Christian counsel. We dated for a long time before we got married. We were best friends. We had such a great fun marriage and relationship and But I disappeared all of a sudden.
So she lost her best friend. She lost her husband, she lost the father of her children. And she ultimately had to run. Imagine that, imagine three little kids. And that whole life, a home.
Mortgage everything. She had to take complete control. of everything for seven years. And by the time the I came out of the depression, this thing that we had. had just broken.
Mm. It was broken. And I was also a very good idea. I had become addicted to narcotic pain. the middle of all of this.
Um And as I told you in that email, it wasn't because Believe me, there's nothing that makes you feel good when you're depressed, not even a powerful narcotic. And It was given to me because of I have I have back problems and It was given to me, and the only thing it did was it made me feel something different. Wasn't like a high or a good feeling. It was just different. And for me, anything besides that.
relentless depression was Was appealing to me.
So I got addicted, as many people do, get addicted to. Prescribed in medication. And when I came out of the depression, that had also done damage. You know, she just. I was this one person that she met and fell in love with, and then suddenly I turned into this.
Zombie laying upstairs in bed for seven years. I mean, it really is that dramatic. Yeah. trust and bond that we had At some point, she had I think that she had to protect herself, I think she hardened her heart. Mm.
That's what I believe. I think that it broke her heart so badly. and she held on as long as she could. But seven years is a long Sparaby. Yeah.
Yeah. It just we we tried to mend it. And but it was It was just gone for her. Yeah. And Having said that, I'm still wearing my wedding ring.
But we've been separated for Since 2016, we've been separated and divorced for two years and I still have this ring on. And she's the love of my life, and I made a bow to God. Um I don't, you know, she is the love of my life. She's the woman that. God gave me and I regardless of whether But she does.
That's I'm living by that vow. And To be honest, I haven't given up. I haven't given up total vote.
Well, you know what? You know what is encouraging, John, is You now are a living testimony that time is not a barrier for God. that you have seen God Come to your aid. You can look back now and see he was there. He had never left you.
And so, what a neat thing that you can place your trust in the Lord in what may be your next season of trusting and your next season of saying, you know, Lord, not in my timing, not in my will, but in yours. And John, before we close off here, real quick, I wanted to talk about your album. You have a song on here in particular that we are going to put at the end of the YouTube channel.
So if you are listening to this on the podcast, I invite you to go over to Hope in the Morning Backstage. And we're going to put his music video at the end of this interview that you can see. And this is your song that you entitled Dear Friend. And it talks about the season of depression and how valuable friendship is in that. Can you tell us about it a little bit?
Yes, and you asked me earlier, and I was waiting sort of for you to talk about this song, but. People, you know, people ask me, how, in what ways did God comfort you during that seven years? And my answer for a long time after the depression, in the years after coming out of the depression, my answer was he didn't. He didn't come there was no comfort. There was literally not a moment of peace or even Just, you know, even that baseline that humans exist in, just kind of like, okay, I'm all right.
life is comfortable. There was not even a a millisecond of that in the seven-year time.
So there was a part of me that Realized, okay, God didn't. Obviously, God didn't abandon me. He had a plan in this seven-year period of suffering, which I'm seeing more and more with every passing day. There was a reason why God allowed this in my life. And but I have to be honest when people ask that question.
You know, how did God comfort you? And my I was looking for when God, when the scripture talks about being. The Lord being a comforter, a counselor. I don't know if other people think this way, but I was looking for.
Something spiritual, something tangible, maybe. Maybe something that happened that was a comfort to me, like a spiritual event. But what I didn't realize is that God was my comforter and my. My strength. through the friends that he provided me.
Particularly. Yeah, you're dead. And that's a realization that only came. In 2021 So I had been out of the depression since 2014 and Because my wife divorced me, I hit another I hit another, you know, not depression. I wasn't in despair, but I was very broken.
I was like, God, really. really after all this, now this is happening and And I think, you know. A lot of people cried out to God that way, you know? Yeah. That's one thing scripture is full of people, guys, that.
Were despaired unto death, you know, because of their confused by the way God did things. And but my point is, I reached a point where I was starting to go pretty dark again, not depressed. But just cynical angry And I thought, okay, I can't do this.
So I started making a list of blessings. That was my discipline to pull myself out of that. woe is me thing that I was heading into. And the top thing that came to my mind was the dear friends that that God provided. And when that term dear friend hit my My brain.
It came with a melody. And it's the melody that you hear. Which is, oh dear friend, that's how I heard it. The moment I thought of it as a The dear friends that God provided. I heard it with that melody line.
And I was at work when it happened. I was working at Whole Foods during COVID, and I was the guy that was having to count people. You know, like, okay, so many people can come in, click, click, click, click.
Now the five people left, okay, click, click. What it was a miserable job.
So that was part of it too. I was like, this is just the worst. And then, so I that's when I was sitting at work and I made this. I said, I've got to make a list of the, I've got to count my blessings because I'm starting to go. to a bad attitude.
And then that dear friend Thing popped into my head, and I realized that that was how God provided. For me. It wasn't through a sermon. It wasn't through any... That's when I say I was looking for.
I was looking for something that I wasn't finding. I guess I expected comfort to come in some sort of. Ultra-spiritual way. If you know what I'm, do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah.
Maybe like something that like God answered, you know, brought, I don't know. I don't know what I was looking for, but what I realized is. Is that I was wrong in saying that God was not my comforter and not my strength during that seven years? Yeah, He did that through. True.
Two friends, Robert and one other. No, I would say as we wrap up this episode, I would say the two Big takeaways that I hear in this is: first, if you are going through a battle of depression or if you've just recently come out one. Don't Don't Seclude yourself. Find a friend that you can trust, that you can confide in, especially a godly friend that can point you to scripture, even when you're not in a place where you can dive into scripture. one that can can still steady you in that storm.
Count your blessings and Third, Be the friend. See what you can do, be aware of those around you, and be the friend. Be the one that someone says, wow. The Lord used you powerfully in my life, in my darkest season, to show me his grace. The thing I can't help but know, as I've been listening, this is powerful stuff.
Is it man? You know, and I count my blessings, right? You think, gee, I woke up this morning and I can see. I woke up this morning and I can hear. I never realized, actually, until I heard your testimony, John.
What a blessing it is to wake up. And my emotions aren't killing me. Mm-hmm. It's it's a gift? Right?
It's a it's a gift that that we take a for granted, like so many things that we take for granted. But the other scripture that just keeps hitting me, and everything you said was absolutely beautiful, and I'm still... probably be affected by this interview for a long time. is what keeps going through my head is just be still. And no.
Right? That he is God. And because it seems like that's all. that was available As You know, I guess I've been with my own life had those seasons where I was in that kind of physical pain. um through brain abscess and some things.
And so I could I could relate. I'm like, yeah. And and that word survive becomes just, oh, it yeah, it's a very similar like and that's what you can do. And I love the the the word your dad gave him this this this will pass and just be still and know. Yeah, it's so hard for us to be still.
But that I think those were the best parting words that we can have today is for us to rest our souls. In The loving hands of the Lord. We can just rest. He's got it. We don't we don't have to worry about the ending.
He knows it all. We can rest and wait. Thank you for joining us today on Hope in the Morning. Hope in the Morning is a non-profit ministry that seeks to encourage the hurting. equip those who walk beside them, and evangelize the lost with the hope of Jesus Christ.
To partner with our ministry or to make a donation in your loved one's honor. Please visit hopeinthemorning.org. Your donation helps keep these stories of hope on the air. and helps tangibly meet the needs of the herding.
