Seven Secrets of Lasting Love

Adrian Rogers was a motivator, an encourager, and a leader of the faith. He was also passionate about presenting scriptural application to everyday life circumstances. And you'll hear that in today's message.

Now, let's join Adrian Rogers. Defining in the Word of God, 1 Peter chapter 3, we're talking about this, seven secrets of lasting love. No, the great miracle is not love at first sight, it's love after a long, long look that you can continue to love. So let me just tell you some ways to keep the honey in the honeymoon. Don't be like the guy who enjoyed running the movies of his wedding backward so he could see himself walking out of the church a free man. I want to tell you how to keep that love alive, as I have said, how to keep the love boat afloat. Now, we're going to learn some foundational truths and principles, and they're found here in 1 Peter chapter 3, and I'm going to begin reading in verse 1. Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands, that if any obey not the word, they may also without the word be won by the conversation, and that literally means the lifestyle of the wives, while they behold your chaste of pure lifestyle joined or coupled with fear. Whose adorning? Let it not be that outward adorning of the plaiting of the hair, the wearing of gold, or the putting on of apparel, but let it be the hidden man of the heart, and that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. For after this manner, in the old time, the holy women also who trusted in God adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands, even as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him Lord, whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement. Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers be not hindered." Now let me just say that God not only gives the instructions here, but like a good teacher, Peter also gives an example. And the example is Abraham and Sarah. Abraham, the patriarch in the Old Testament, the brightest star in the Hebrew heaven, and his wife, Sarah.

And he speaks of them as an example of how to keep love alive. Now, you might think that Joyce and Adrian have never had any problems. We've had plenty of problems. And as you look in the Bible, you're going to find out that Abraham and Sarah had plenty of problems. Number one, they had family pressures. They were on the move. They were nomads, and they lived in a tent and went from pillar to post. They had dreams that were basically unfulfilled. Abraham looked for a city whose builder and maker is God.

He's found it now, but not found it then. As a matter of fact, they had a very, very serious matter in their home, the Hagar affair, where Abraham did a terrible thing and produced a son by a woman that was not his true wife. They had problems with their children. Their children didn't turn out all that well.

Well, ultimately they did, but it was a rough ride. They knew what many of us know. Did you know from the time a child is the age of 12 to 19, his parents will age 20 years?

Did you know that? They had teenagers just like we have teenagers, and Abraham on one occasion failed to be as gallant as he should have been. He didn't protect Sarah as he should have.

He told a half-truth to protect himself, and a half-truth turned out to be a whole lie. And then, of course, they had the problems of increasing age. I asked Joyce, will you love me when I'm old and wrinkled?

She said, of course I do. Just they made it right on through increasing age. They made it through the fiery passions of youth. They made it through middle age.

They say, you know, youth looks forward, old age looks backward, and middle age looks worried. They made it through all of that, and they stayed together. Abraham and Sarah stayed together.

How did they do it? Well, we're going to learn some secrets here of lasting love, and it's not that Mr. Perfect married Miss Perfect. Neither Joyce nor Adrian is perfect. Matter of fact, you better be glad that your mate is not perfect. Why? If your mate were perfect, they never would have married you.

That's true. Thank God that all of us married imperfect people, and we live in an imperfect society, and we have to deal with these things, but we can make it wonderful. When Joyce and I were at a marriage conference, I was preaching at the Biddigram Conference Center called the Cove. It's a beautiful place, and I was preaching on the home, and later on we had questions and answers, and a little lady got up, and she said one of the wisest things I've ever heard. She said, now, ladies, I want you to remember you may marry a shining knight on a white horse, but somebody's got to clean up after the horse. I thought, now, that's a wise lady, and she said, and enjoy doing it. So, you may have married a shining knight, but I tell you, he's riding a horse. It's going to leave some mess around.

How do you do that? How do you stay together? Well, I want to give you seven principles. Are you ready for these? They're going to come right out of the Word of God. Principle number one, fortify faith. Fortify faith. Now, look at this scripture. For after this manner in the old time, the holy women who trusted in God adorned themselves. The only phrase I want to get out of that is the holy women who trusted in God. We'll get the rest of that later on, but then 1 Peter 3 and verse 7 says also, likewise ye husbands dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife as unto the weaker vessel. Listen to this, being heirs together of the grace of God, trusting God. Abraham, we know, was the father of the faithful.

You cannot, you cannot in my estimation have the kind of a home that you ought to have without trusting in the Lord. The Bible says a threefold cord is not easily broken. What is that threefold cord? A man, a woman, and God himself. I want to tell you something about Joyce. I love her with all of my heart, but Joyce knows that she's not first in my life. She knows that. She knows that God is first in my life. She doesn't mind being second. Now, she's first of all human beings, but she's second in my life, and she knows that I can love her more by putting her second than I ever could by putting her first. And I know that I'm not first in Joyce's life.

I know that I'm second. I don't mind that because she loves me with a love that she could not love me with unless she not fortified her faith in the Lord. Now, in verse 7, the Bible speaks of us being as heirs together of the grace of life. Now, what are heirs together?

That's joint heirs. That means share and share life. There's no male superiority and female inferiority when it comes to trusting in God. Let me give you a good verse to put in your margin. Galatians chapter 3 verse 28. Paul said there's neither Jew nor Greek, neither is there bond nor free, neither is there male or female, for ye are all one in Christ Jesus. That spiritual oneness that Joyce and I have is the oneness in Christ Jesus.

Now, I'm a male, and she's a female, but we are one in the Lord Jesus Christ. I could say without stutter, stammer, or apology, the secret of our home is God himself. Joyce and I prayed on our dates. We prayed before our marriage. We prayed at our wedding, the first night of our honeymoon. We got on our knees together and gave our hearts, our lives, our home anew and afresh to God. Joyce and I make it a habit to pray every day and to pray about our problems, pray about our opportunities, pray about our ministry, to pray for our families, to pray for you, to pray for this church.

Why? Because the very first thing that you must do, friend, is to fortify faith. Number two, number two, not only fortify faith, number two, remember roles. Remember roles. God has a role for the man, and God has a role for the women.

Now, what I'm about to say is politically incorrect. I want you to know I'm not creating the roles God did. What is the role of the wife? Well, look in 1 Peter 3, verse 1. Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands. By the way, that Greek word is the idios means special husband, your individual husband.

And then 1 Peter, chapter 3, verse 7. Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife as unto the weaker vessel. Now, I said that husbands and wives are spiritually equal, but they are not the same. God made us different that he might make us one, and we need to learn that.

You know, it's the devil's guise to attempt to make men and women alike under the guise of making them equal. They are equal, but they are not alike. God made the husband with a harder exterior, and he made his wife gentle and fragile, so he calls her the weaker vessel, not the inferior vessel. Now, I told you, steel is stronger than porcelain. You can drive a spike with a sledgehammer, but you can't drink tea out of it.

You can bring tea out of a porcelain teacup. Silk is more fragile and beautiful than denim, and that doesn't mean that denim, because it's stronger, is intrinsically worth more. No, there are roles. God has given the husband the headship in the home.

We need to understand this. The woman, for example, is to be in submission to her own husband. That's not inferiority. Joyce knows that's not inferiority. As a matter of fact, she doesn't even want to be equal with me.

She says she's not coming down for anything. Submission is one equal voluntarily placing himself under another equal that God may thereby be glorified. We're never more like the devil when we're in rebellion, never more like the Lord Jesus Christ when we have a submissive spirit. God made us different, that he might make us one.

And what we need to understand is this is voluntary submissiveness. The husband is the head of the home, but he's not the boss of the home. Jesus is the head of this church. Jesus has never one time ever made me or you do one blessed thing. Jesus leads by servant love.

Most women don't mind being in subjection to a man who loves her enough to die for her and shows it by the way that he lives for her. Headship for the husband doesn't mean privilege. It means responsibility. Just like the shepherd is responsible for the sheep and the parent is responsible for the child, the husband has a responsibility before God. Marriage is not a contract. Marriage is a covenant where two people mutually enter together. When you look at marriage as a contract, you begin to look for ways that you might break the contract. When you look at marriage as a contract, you think about your rights. When you look at marriage as a covenant, you think about your responsibilities. So, remember your roles.

All right, number three, cultivate contentment. Look in verse seven again of this passage of Scripture. Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, listen to this, giving honor unto the wife as unto the weaker vessel.

Now, watch this, as being heirs together of the grace of life. Now, Abraham and Sarah were blessed financially. As a matter of fact, Abraham was very wealthy and some godly people are very wealthy. But Abraham and Sarah did not put their wealth first. They were willing to leave comfort of home and house and friends and family to live in a tent to do whatever God wanted them to do. And young people, I want you to learn this. If you want to have a happy marriage, learn that you can do without anything except one another and God and just the basic necessities of life, food and clothing.

That's all you need in order to keep you happy. Now, sometimes a part of this verse is misinterpreted. So, let's just go back up to chapter three, verse three. It speaks of the women. It says, who's adorning? Let it not be that outward adorning of the plaiting of the hair, the wearing of gold and the putting on of apparel. Some people use that to say that women ought not to fix their hair and they ought not to wear jewelry.

They say it's right there in the Bible. See there, it says, who's adorning? Let it not be the plaiting of the hair. You ought not to plait your hair. See there, the wearing of gold, you ought not to wear gold. See there, putting on of apparel, you ought not to wear clothes.

Honey, hey, don't check your brain at the door. What he is saying is this, that is not the secret of your beauty. Let me tell you about Sister Sarah here in this passage of scripture. Friend, when she was 80 years old, men were still vying for her. She was a beauty. What made her beautiful? The ornament of a meek and a quiet spirit. Now, Joyce was a beautiful girl when I married her.

I can remember looking over there when I was in the sixth grade, serious, looking over at her, a few desks up to my right. I think that's the prettiest thing I've ever seen in my life. But she is beautiful to me today, more beautiful because of the ornament of a meek and a quiet spirit which is in the sight of God of great price. Now, you're not going to keep your love alive if you don't take care of your personal grooming.

You ought to do that. But the real enhancement is the inner person, the beauty. The word meek here doesn't mean weak or mousy.

If you knew Joyce, she's not that. It means a person has themselves under God's control. The word meek was used of soldiers in the Roman army. They were not weak and mousy. They were under control and a quiet spirit.

Doesn't mean that a person doesn't say anything. It speaks of serenity. It speaks of contentment.

You have to learn contentment. Joyce and I decided to get married after first year in college because we'd been dating for so long and we got married, working our way through school, and I went to school seven years after we got married, planned our family while we were going to school, paying our way through school, working our way through school. We did a lot of things, but one thing we did, we did a lot of doing without, but we were happy. I went to college on a football scholarship, but I wanted to get married, and so I left football scholarship, and we were called to pastor a little church, First Baptist Church, Fellsmere, Florida, a wonderful church, little church, handful of people. They paid us the enormous salary, $25 a week, and we had to drive 300-mile round trip at our own expense to pick up that $25 a week. After I'd been there for a little while, they said, you know, we've got more preacher than we expected, and so we want to raise you $5 a week, $30 a week. Joyce and I talked about it, and we said, oh, no, we couldn't possibly take $5 more, so then we just took that extra $5 and split it in half and gave the other two dollars and a half back to the church each Sunday because we thought we were being overpaid. Maybe we were, but we just lived that way. I remember when we went on a honeymoon, sweetheart. You know how much money kids, listen, I want to tell you kids something.

You think you have to fly to Tahiti or something? We had 50 bucks, that's it, for our honeymoon, and we had one of the best honeymoons anybody ever had. God has blessed us with so many nice things today, but we didn't have them when we started out. That didn't make much difference to us. I bought Joyce a little engagement ring. We were in college. We bought jewelry in the land of Florida. We didn't buy it then with a credit card.

We didn't have credit cards. I went in there and gave that man a few bucks. He showed me a ring.

He said, now, son, this ring, he said, now, the stone's got a flaw, but you have to look hard to see it. Joyce was with me. She said, that's the one I want. You know how much I paid for it? 100 bucks, 100 bucks.

I didn't have 100 bucks. Went in week after week, bought her a ring. Now, listen, I want to tell you something.

We know what it is to base. We know what it is to bound, but I can tell you, we were just as happy then as we are today. Learn contentment.

The Bible says that we, in whatever state we are in, we're to be content, and a wise man once said, to whom little is not enough, nothing is enough, and you kids, if you're not careful, your marriage is going to be till debt do us part. Learn to be content. Now, here's the fourth thing. Banish bitterness. Banish bitterness. This passage goes on in verses eight through 10. Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion, one of another. Love is brethren. Be pitiful, be courteous, not rendering evil for evil, nor railing for railing, but contrary wise, blessing, knowing that ye are thereunto call, that ye should inherit a blessing, and friend, I have inherited one, for he that will love life, listen to this, and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips, that they speak no guile. Don't be bitter.

Let her be the better half, not the bitter half. Your homes are going to have a lot of attacks. Ours has, yours will. We've known some earthquakes. I mean some things that shook us to the very foundation. Earthquakes. Then there are woodpeckers. Always beating on your home, you know, the woodpeckers. Friend, it's easier to deal with earthquakes than the woodpeckers than it is the termites.

You get the termites in the foundation, and they just silently eat away. That bitterness that comes. Abraham and Sarah, I want to tell you, had serious problems.

We've known problems. But look again, 1 Peter 3, verse 9, not rendering evil for evil or railing for railing, but contrary wise, blessing, there are three levels of life. One level is the devilish level, where you return evil for good. The devil does that. The next level is the human level, where you return good for good and evil for evil.

That's what the average person does. A child of God, if he would love life and see good days, will return good for evil. And the second chapter of this wonderful book, 1 Peter, tells about the Lord Jesus Christ. And if you have your Bibles there, 2 Peter 2, verses 21 through 23, Peter is setting this up for marriage, and he says, even here unto were ye called, because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example that we should follow his steps who did no sin, now listen to this, neither was guile found in his mouth, who when he was revile, revile not again.

When he suffered, he threatened not, but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously. Learn that there are no problems too big to solve, and there are no people too small to solve them if we would just banish bitterness and attack the problem rather than one another. And it may be a small thing. Did you ever get a splinter in your finger? And maybe you say, well, you know, I could get a needle or something and take that out, but it'd be a little painful. I'll just leave it there.

And you leave it there. And about three nights later, you wake up with a throbbing pain and you look and your finger's about twice the size that it ought to be, fiery red. It's infected.

It's those little things that bring that infection into your life. Banish bitterness. Don't go to bed back to back. Don't go to bed angry. The Bible says, don't let the sun go down upon your wrath. Joyce and I have tried to practice that.

Sometimes we've stayed up for three nights in a row. Just banish bitterness. Now, number five, continue communication. Look again at 1 Peter 3, verses 8 through 10. Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another. Love is brethren, be pitiful, be courteous, not rendering evil for evil, nor railing for railing, but contrary wise blessing, knowing that thereunto ye call that ye should inherit a blessing, for he that loveth life and shall see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips that they speak no guile.

That in toto speaks of communication. Abraham and Sarah were very different. You read the Bible, you can find that out. I will tell you, Joyce and Adrian are very different. We did a profile, a psychological profile. Would you believe the very areas that I was the highest in, she's the lowest in. The very areas that I am the lowest in, she's the highest.

And when they put that on the thing, it made an X like that. We are absolutely psychologically, emotionally, in many ways opposites. And apart from the grace of God, we wouldn't stay together, but it is the grace of God that has allowed us to communicate. Now, the fact that opposites attract is God's joke, because what attracts us before marriage drives us crazy after marriage.

We're just opposites. But that's the reason that God put us together. Psychologists tell us that when the people come in for counseling, that 80% of it really deals with communication, learning to communicate. Proverbs 18 verse 21, put it in your margin. Listen to this. Life and death are in the power of the tongue, and they that love it, that is love life, shall eat the fruit thereof.

And again, 1 Peter 3 verse 10, for he that will love life and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil and his lips, that they speak no guile. Communication is so important. It's what we call intimacy. It's the secret of lasting love. And it's husbands, it's husbands by and large that are the communication problem. Look at the magazines the women read. Seven ways to be more intimate with your husband. Look at the magazines the men read. Seven ways to get better gas mileage. Or how to remodel your garage. I asked Joyce, I said, Joyce, what is the basic communication problem in marriages?

She didn't blink her eyes. She said men. Men. And I suppose that many times we men are out to lunch. We don't dwell with them according to knowledge. We're like that guy said to his wife, now before the football season starts, is there anything you'd like to say?

I can identify with that. So we have to learn to communicate and share. But I want to say to men and women, I really believe that a happy marriage is learning to have a good date life.

And there are four kinds of dates that everybody needs to make. Number one, you need to have a regular date with God. Do you have a place where you get along with God? Have a quiet time with God?

If not, you're not going to be able to communicate and fellowship? Have a date with God. Number two, have a date with your kids. If you have kids, take them out by themselves, apart from the others.

Give them their utmost, your utmost attention. Number three, you need to have a date with yourself. All of us need a time where we can just get along.

Do the things that we need to do. Just have a little space, something that's fulfilling. But have a date with your spouse. And a regular time is more important than lots of time.

The time where the two of you are together. Continue communication. Number six, refresh romance. Keep the love light burning. Look again in 1 Peter 3 verse 7. Dwell with them according to knowledge. Now, the word dwell with them is a word translated, some translations that you have, live together with them. Now, when we talk about people living together, what we really mean in today's society is that they're sharing the same bed.

And that is the idea right here in the Greek language also. That we are together physically, we are dwelling together, living together. It speaks of sexual mutuality. It speaks of the physical side of marriage.

And that is so important. That you express that love physically, not just simply in coming together as husband and wife, but all through your life. Keep that romance going. Keep the hugs going. Just always reaching out, always touching, always hugging. As a matter of fact, I was hugging Joyce real big one time in the kitchen, and our maid came in.

We didn't know she was around. She said, that's nice, and walked out. And it is nice. You need to keep the romance there. Many times on my way home, I'll take a cell phone, which is a wonderful invention, and dial the number. Joyce will answer and say, this is the Love Mobile. The Love Mobile is on its way home.

I can hardly wait to get there, sensitize your lips. Well, that gives her something to look forward to, as I am coming home. We just keep that courtship going.

Many of the guys want the courtship to end. Never let it end. Never cease flirting with your wife. And never flirt with any other woman.

Never. Not the waitress. Don't call her sweetheart. Well, she's not your sweetheart. You've got one sweetheart. Don't call her darling. She's not your darling. You have one darling. You keep her number one. And I want to tell you, and I'm not ashamed to say, I have a crush on that girl.

I mean, I do. And she loves me. And keep the romance going. And learn, this verse also says, giving honor. Do you see that, giving honor?

The Bible says that in verse seven, likewise your husband dwelt with him according to knowledge of giving honor. Guys, open the car door for her. Get out and walk around. I might as well. Joyce is going to sit there till I do anyway. I mean, I'd be halfway to the building. Look back.

She's still sitting in the car waiting. Go back and open the car door and show her that word, giving honor, literally speaks of courtesy, courtesy. And compliment one another constantly. Joyce and I will walk in the mornings. That's a good place for communication.

We try to walk two or three miles a day. But in our walk in our neighborhood, there's a curve in the road. And we call that the compliment curve. From the time we get on that curve till we end, we do nothing but compliment one another about anything, big or small. Learn to give honor.

If you say you don't want to be complimented, I'm going to tell you, you're not telling the truth. We do need to keep the romance in the marriage. Last of all, and I must close, practice prayer.

I say this last, not because it's least, but because it's the most important. Look again in 1 Peter 3, verse 7. Likewise, she husbands dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife as unto the weaker vessel, now watch this, and as being heirs of the grace of life, that your prayers be not hindered. That means that husbands and wives should pray together.

We try to do it from the time we've gotten married. Now I look back upon the life that God has given us, and I would be a sheer fool and unmitigated egotist if I tried to take praise for what God has done. God answers prayer. Practice prayer. Men, most men don't want to pray with women because we have a heart out our shell. But guys, humble yourself. Let her hear you pouring out your heart before God.

It will give her great confidence and great comfort. Your home may be in shambles right now. That means you need God all the more.

Your love may be getting cold. Maybe you need a fresh start. You may not have a home. You may be widowed or divorced, and maybe you're lonely. I want to tell you, God meets all of those needs.

Maybe your home's been broken. God heals the brokenhearted. You know, whoever you are, wherever you are, there's always a fresh start with God.

That's what's so wonderful. If you'd invite him in and say, Lord Jesus, come into my own heart, take control of my life, and start with me. Start with me, Lord, to bless our home. If you're not certain that you're saved and you're going to heaven, you can be certain. You can know that you're saved. Being saved is not just being a nicer person, not just keeping rules.

It's receiving a gift. Jesus died for you, paid for your sin with his blood. The Bible says the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God, the gift of God is eternal life. Would you like to receive that gift? Why don't you pray a prayer like this from your heart? Dear God, I know that you love me. I know that you want to save me. Jesus, you died to save me, and you promised to save me if I would trust you. I do trust you, Jesus, right now with all of my heart.

Come into my life, forgive my sin, cleanse me, save me, Jesus. Ask him. Did you ask him? Then thank him. Pray this way. Thank you for doing it.

I don't look for feeling. I stand on your word. You're now my Lord and Savior, and I will live my life for you, and I will not be ashamed of you. Give me the courage, Lord, to make it public. Help me, Lord, never to be ashamed of you. In your name I pray. Amen.