The Worry-Free Parent: Sissy Goff

Parents today come in wanting tools for their kids more than anything. And I think tools help us, but tools don't really transform us. And it's our faith that transforms us. And so we want to come at worry and anxiety from a really practical level that's going to help us in the moment.

And we want to come at it from a foundational level of faith that's going to change us in the process. Welcome to Family Life Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Shelby Abbott, and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson.

You can find us at familylifetoday.com. This is Family Life Today. So we wrote a book called No Perfect Parents, because here's the question, do you ever read it?

Like most people, no. I don't think our kids read it, and they wrote it, you know. But I mean, so often as parents, we strive to be perfect. Not that we can, but we want to be the best we can be. But at the end of the day, there's no perfect parents at all.

It's funny, Dave, because I remember the stage of having toddlers and babies. And I would just, I would lie down in bed every night, and I would be tormented with my failures, with my loss of compassion, with yelling, with trying to get a clean house, and I was failing at everything. And I'm laying beside her like, we're good, everything's fine. But when we wrote the book, and I wrote down all the lies that I was blaming every day. And I feel like, think about, we have an enemy of our soul.

We have thoughts going through our mind, but we also have an accuser who's relishing when we have anything that we're, we're bashing ourselves about. And I do remember as I wrote the book, all the things I felt like God reminded me, talk about and think about in your mind the things you did right today. I love that. I got up, and I put on some makeup. And when you're a young mom, if you get that done, that's something. That's really something. I bathed our children that day, and I fed them.

It might not have been the healthiest food, but I fed them three meals. And many times, we don't think about the good things we've done. We only think of the negative. Why are you laughing? Well, I'm just thinking we've got, you know, an expert sitting in the studio today, Sissy Goff is back. And I mean, I mentioned one time, you're the world's renowned, in my mind, one of the best counselor therapists I know. So kind. Plus you are, Sissy. You are so sweet. We have you on a very high pedestal.

A lot out there that are really great. But I've been doing it a long time. Watch out. And the reason I'm smiling is like, you know, sometimes I feel this when I was preaching, you know, I look out and I knew a couple therapists sitting in the congregation.

I was thinking, they are just like, Wilson is so messed up. And he doesn't even know it, you know. And I'm like looking over at you because you work with kids every day. You obviously work with parents. You wrote this book, The Worry-Free Parent, and you're hearing us talk about this.

So I want to know from your perspective, your parents, my parents, our parents worried. Yeah. I know they did. Yeah. But compared to the culture we're in today, it just feels like it's so chaotic.

And as parents and now as grandparents, the worry feels heavier. You're the expert. Is it? Is that what's going on? Is that what you're seeing?

Yes. I think it feels heavier. I think it feels two things. I think it feels more pervasive. I feel like it's everywhere because of these phones.

Yes. And so we're inundated with all the things that are going wrong in the world. We're inundated with all the things that might go wrong. And we're inundated with all the people who are telling us exactly how to do it right. Yeah. And they all have different opinions.

Yeah. You know, I think that's one of the hardest things as I hear from parents today. It's like, well, I read about this new thing I need to be doing or I heard about this. I mean I literally have been saying to parents, I want you to pick one or two voices that you trust and don't listen to any other ones.

Just pick a couple that you feel like resonate with you and what fits for who you are and let the rest go. Can you imagine? I mean my mom read one book and it was Dr. Spock. And I think the only takeaway for her was to smile at your baby a lot, which is funny because my sister and I both, if there's a compliment we get, it's that we smile all the time. So something worked. But really, that's not pressure. Smile at your baby versus attach just the right way at the right time.

And if you do this and that whole movement right now is making me want to lose my mind about you only have 18 summers and 52 weeks and 395,000 seconds. I mean, I just, every time I hear that, I'm not even a parent. We appreciate that. We're in a serious job now.

Y'all, I'm so sorry. No, I didn't make it up. I got it.

I tell you the ministry and it's very helpful because you think, oh, these are the number of weeks. Talk about anxiety. Yes, exactly. I think it's probably more helpful when you're out of it. Yeah.

Than when you're in it. I just feel like... Hey, you did the marbles. Did I? Yeah, Ann got up there with a jar full of marbles and pulled one out and said, there goes one week. There goes another one. And I remember people carry marbles around in their pockets for years. And other signs that you're an anxious parent. But you're right. I mean, back in the day, even when we were young parents, there was just starting to be quite a bit of material.

Yes. I don't think there was before that, but Focus on Family and James Dobson, you name it, and now it's everywhere. And think now, as you just held up your phone, if you want a sermon... I used to love it when I was the only preacher my people heard. They're like, you're good right now. They're like, man, you're nothing. This guy, this guy.

It's like there's so many voices that causes anxiety. I think the thing that we can do, because when I was a young mom, I'd maybe listen to Dobson. And you know what I did the other times?

I just prayed my guts out. Yes. And so now what do we do?

If a young mom asked me, I'm like, oh, have you listened to this or this or read this book? Right. When it would be better for me to say, oh man, fall on your face before God and tell him everything you're feeling and caring and giving it to him. And I think to hear God's voice, we've got to quiet the voice of worry.

Yes. Because it's talking to us so much. Can I read y'all something that I've read in a devotional that I loved that talks about God's voice versus Satan's voice? Have y'all read this ever?

It's in a lot of different places. It says God's voice stills you. Satan's voice rushes you. God's voice leads you. Satan's voice pushes you. God's voice reassures you. Satan's voice frightens you. God's voice enlightens you. Satan's voice confuses you. God's voice encourages you. Satan's voice discourages you. God's voice comforts you. Satan's voice worries you. God's voice calms and convicts you. And Satan's voice obsesses and condemns you. Doesn't that feel true? And that, I mean, that's worry to me. That's how worry impacts us. And so I love the truth.

I mean, just even reading that, it makes me feel differently. And so when we can get to his voice and realize that he's gonna talk to you about your kids more than he's gonna talk to me as the expert, and I'm doing air quotes, in the room. I remember our kids, I've shared this I think before, but they're all teenagers.

I think two were in college. It was the summer. They're all home. And I'm asking them to do something.

And, you know, the first weeks a kid comes home from college and when they're out of school it takes you a week or two to adjust to the craziness of everyone being home in the summer. And so I'm like, guys, we need to get this done. And I'm giving this whole list of things to do. And they're laughing and they all have their phones in their hands. And I'm like, what are you guys laughing about? And they're like, oh mom, we're just texting each other saying how crazy you are. And I got so mad.

I'm like, you know what? Nobody appreciates me. And so I go stomping out of the house and I go for this long walk and I start venting to God. Like, Lord, did you see how unappreciated I am? I do so much and I'm whining. But venting to him. And then I hear, I feel this like in my soul, I feel like the Holy Spirit impressing me to think about God. And this was my prayer. God, tell me what you think of the boys.

I've vented to you what I think is going on. Like, he doesn't do this and he never does this. And it was one of the most miraculous walks I've ever been on. Because it was just through the Holy Spirit reminded me of all the greatness in each boy. I mean, like things that I had never thought of came to my mind and it was, I came home and I saw them in a whole different picture. Crazy things of like this boy, like wait till you see his voice and his leadership. And I came home and instead of seeing who he couldn't be and who he wasn't being, I had a picture of what they could be as they walked with Jesus.

It changed the way I even talked to them. But man, isn't that true that we can get in this pattern of, yes, but also going before God and just telling him everything you're feeling. Because he wants to know, because he loves us.

He wants to carry it for us. And loves them. Yes, he loves them so much.

Yes. Several times in your book you say great parents get it right maybe half the time. Isn't that wild? That comes from attachment theory, which you know is about the very beginning of a child's life when their brain is growing, doubling in size. So if during that time of life parents need to only get it right 50% of the time when their brains growing that fast, of course it's true for the rest of life. That's so good, 50%.

So this bar that's being created as I'm scrolling is not real. Yeah, and I think a lot of our anxiety is we don't get it right. Yes. And that's probably like 10% or 20% and we're beating ourselves up like you do.

You did it every night and I would lay there and go, I watched you today, you were amazing. But talk about 50%, you are way over 50% and yet you think the best parents miss it that much. That gives you some peace.

Yes, that's true. What about blended families, Sissy? Are they dealing with even more anxiety? Do you think they carry guilt and maybe some other things as well? I know blended families who aren't necessarily dealing with more. I mean I really do think y'all in this day and time every family has at least one anxious child.

Really? And often the oldest, yes. So I would say every family's dealing with it but I think in terms of the impact of a blended family I think the way the parents work through it is the game changer. Yeah.

And it can make all the difference and then I do see parents who feel guilty and so I think are overcompensating. Well you mentioned a couple terms in your book I'd never seen before about types of parents. Yes. We've heard about helicopter but you have all these other ones. Let's talk about them a little bit. Do you make them up?

These are your own. Not helicopter obviously, yes. Well I was just out of the parents I'm seeing in my office. Obviously I'm seeing helicopter parents who are stepping in and fixing things, hovering constantly and then snowplow parents who are pushing the moguls out of the way so their kids hit no hard places, no hiccups which make a lot of sense when you think about you know of course they're not good things for your kids.

You love them and you don't want them to have to do hard things when every person who works with kids with anxiety would say they have to do hard things to work through it. So snowplow parents I have a four-year-old nephew who loves construction so I've thought about a lot of construction tools. Backhoe parents so I'm gonna clean up the mess behind them that they have made because I don't want them to have to deal with the consequences.

I know a family who the child didn't make the student government position she thought she should and so the parents called the school and threatened to sue. That is a very extreme backhoe parent but that's totally what that is. Then sidecar parents which were probably all the age of Adam West being Batman and Robin remember that after school show so you know you think about Batman and poor Robin and the sidecar Batman's flying through the streets of Gotham and Robin's just his hair's blowing everywhere and you know and I think that came out of some parents that I saw that really had the thought of my experience is their experience. We're so similar that if I felt anxiety when I was growing up this must be anxiety on my child when maybe it's not even kind of shifting our own experience over to them and then the last would be parade float parents and the parade float parents are the ones who are wanting everything to be fun and happy and you're not gonna be sad you're not gonna worry. My mom was a parade float parent sometimes but when she moved into parade float parent one of the times was when we lost a dog in our house I'm not kidding every time we lost a dog my mom would go out the same day get the same kind of dog and name it the same thing. I had two Dixie's two blues yes I mean of course we noticed that it was a puppy not a grown dog but she just did not want us to be sad about losing the dog and her mother did it too she had two Chris's growing up not wild yes legacy one of the things you talk about in your book is parents that worry they're conscientious yes they're good parents oh yes she didn't want us to be sad right she loved us yes but in some ways you know you hear like the the helicopter snowplow backhoe parent in some ways you think those are good things right but they can go to the extreme is that what you're saying they can be bad exactly what's the difference between vigilance and hyper vigilance in parenting that I think is the important distinction because vigilance is required hyper vigilance doesn't help hmm when you talk about anxiety only gets worse if it's untreated what do you mean by that well really kind of that idea we were talking about that that the amygdala actually enlarges and we create based on there's these psychologists Catherine Pittman talks about a use it or lose it phenomenon our brains literally prune themselves so the neural pathways which are this thought leads to this leads to this those neural pathways are strengthened by use it's the same reason that we all have on pants today all three of us none of us probably know what leg we put in our pants first they may left really you're so impressive always left but I think that's a neural pathway it's why you end up driving somewhere you didn't mean to go because you're driven there a million times you have a neural pathway for that we develop neural pathways for anxiety when we talk about marriage we say that if you aren't intentional you drift toward isolation you don't intentionally move toward isolation it's the natural drift you have to intentionally work to be one so are you saying that we could possibly continue on this road of anxiety unless we intentionally turn back yes with some of the not just continue but it's gonna get worse it's gonna get worse that's an eye-opener well I mean and again we've already said that if I as a parent him and drifting mm-hmm toward anxiety and it's something that's pretty prevalent my life it's a good chance it's being passed to my kids well that's the reason right there to say I've got to do the work right that courage and your book is doing the work you're helping that's my hope and I have a book for parents of girls I have a book for elementary age girls and a book for teenage girls because there are parts of the country that it is much harder to find good counselors especially Christian counselors and so I think knowing there are folks who can't get to somebody my intention was to write these books as kind of a first attempt to get help try these things in fact sometimes in our office parents will call and say I want to get my child in and our office staff will say they're this age read braver stronger smarter and if it feels like it hadn't helped in six weeks then bring them into counseling but try this first have you seen when we talked about those different styles of parenting yes have you seen people change yeah have you seen parents become worry-free parents I feel like the words kind of a trick because of living in a fallen world I don't know that we're ever gonna fully get there but yes I've seen parents do the work of walking themselves back and I think it's work emotionally and it's work spiritually I mean it's in both places because I hate to speak negatively against my profession because I obviously I believe in counseling so much but I think so many of the tools that I hope are littered throughout the book you know parents today come in wanting tools for their kids more than anything and I think tools help us respond they help us in the moment but tools don't really transform us and it's our faith that transforms us and so we want to come at worry and anxiety from a really practical level that's gonna help us in the moment and we want to come at it from a foundational level of faith that's gonna change us in the process how do you help parents with that when they come in and you know they say they're believers but maybe they haven't really locked in and surrendered everything is that one of the things you encourage them to do yes definitely and I think some of that is where we can pull it back into tools of like we've talked about having scripture that you go back to but I think also when we teach on this topic the last thing we talk about is trust and Melissa who y'all haven't gotten to meet yet I don't think but she started Daystar and is still involved as our founding and senior director but she said something teaching a group of middle schoolers at our little camp one time where she said courage isn't that antidote to anxiety but trust is hmm and I think that's what changes us trust is what transforms us trust moves us from worry to wonder and it moves from grabbing and trying to hold on tight to a place of gratitude there are all these beautiful things I love Frederick Beaton or is my favorite author of all times and one of his quotes says something about in the end the commandment you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart soul and mind becomes more of a promise than a command hmm because it's all we have you know and then I talk about from fears to reminders of his faithfulness and I think that's what I want parents to anchor to and and it's interesting because you know again science mimics faith so much of the time when we really dig deep and and one of the things that we're supposed to do when we're anxious is remember times that we have done the hard thing times that we were brave that we got through whatever it was and I think as we look back over what God's done in our lives that certainly takes us to that and I I had the most I don't know what transformational experience since the Covenant shooting and I spent the day with the parents from the Covenant school and ended up talking to them as a group about how to talk to your kids once they were reunified with their kids and you know I mean it just yeah I don't have words to describe what the day was like for me on the outside I can't even fathom walking through it as a parent and because I had been there and because of a variety of things I ended up being asked to do some interviews afterwards and one of them is that I was asked to come and be on CNN live the next morning I didn't know that oh you know you just think I want to do right by these people like I want to tell their story in a way that's honoring to them and so I had had this day and just been devastated by the whole thing did three different interviews that night and then the next morning had to be at this location at 6 a.m. to do CNN live and I didn't you know I was tired and overwhelmed I didn't pay attention to the location and I had not yet driven by Covenant and the location was like they do with the White House correspondence it was across the street from the school and drove down there pull into the parking lot I'm thinking sissy don't cry don't cry this is not the time for you to be crying about this and I pull up and the producer comes and meets me at the car and walks me over and there are all these people and it's and and I thought someone was gonna be interviewing me and it instead I was talking through headphones trying to listen to someone in Atlanta and the camera is huge and it's I mean it's all moving really fast and there's this really silly thing that happens to me when I get cold where my kneecaps start shaking and it was cold in March and National I was standing on the street and my kneecaps were shaking and I was like you just have got to think about something else you've got to think about something else for a minute and so I turned around and there was the Sun for Covenant and next to it because of the time of year it was was a sign announcing their Easter services mm-hmm and I thought that is it I have zero words of zero words to say about what's happening right now but all I know is that what is the darkest day I ever remember touching our community is not what defines us and that's what defines us like that's why we are having conversations that's why we have hope in the midst of tragedy and suffering because Jesus dark day was darkest day was not his last and it's not for us either and so we want to remind ourselves of those kind of truths fears reminders of his faithfulness whatever is going on if you're listening right now whatever is going on with your kids even if it's their darkest day it does not define them and if you feel like you're in a season of failure as a parent it doesn't define you we have hope and we can trust in something that transforms us Psalm 34 8 says taste and see that the Lord is good and as we finished up with sissy one thing I'm coming away thinking is one I've never thought I was anxious but now I'm like wait I am a warrior and I have been anxious and this verse is really good for me just to sit in it to remember that God knows everything he sees me he's good and he loves my kids he can take care of things when I can't and I can just trust him yeah and and sometimes we have to taste and see it's like one thing to know that or read it you have to experience it I mean step out and taste and see that the Lord is good I think of first Peter 5 7 says cast all your anxiety yes on him because he cares for you and I think there's times when we're worried and anxious we don't think he cares yeah or he sees and you just said it he sees yeah here's what we feel and he's like let me have it just taste and see I'm good but you won't know until you do it just cast it it's like put it on the end of that hook and like a fisherman throw it out to him and I guarantee he takes worry off that hook and he puts the peace of God back on that hook and you reel it back in you say he is good I know that most of us when we'd hear the worry-free parent we go who in the world doesn't worry or have anxiety about their kids well sissy golf has given us solid truth and practical strategies to help us as parents battle worry and anxiety so this conversation today and the last two days that she's been here have been so valuable for moms and dads everywhere I'm Shelby Abbott and you've been listening to Dave and Ann Wilson with sissy golf on family life today as I mentioned if you didn't get a chance to listen to our first two interviews with sissy make sure that you go back and listen to both of them on the family life app or anywhere you get your podcasts and she's written a book called the worry-free parent as I mentioned earlier the subtitle is living in confidence so your kids can too you can get your copy by going online to family life today calm and clicking on today's resources or you can give us a call to request your copy at 800 3 5 8 6 3 2 9 again that number is 800 F as in family L as in life and 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